


Guidelines to Being a Good Professor at Hogwarts

by Kanako_Hime, LadyOfSlytherin101



Series: Guideline Series [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Freeform, Humour, Impressionable kids, More Snape-Bothering, Multi, Parody, Prof. Ariana Oswald, Prof. Faye Reid, Prof. Rosalie Tyler, Randomness, Sexual References, Supernatural - Freeform, guidelines, quirky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-24
Updated: 2016-07-31
Packaged: 2018-07-26 08:42:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 7,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7567627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kanako_Hime/pseuds/Kanako_Hime, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyOfSlytherin101/pseuds/LadyOfSlytherin101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Now including Faye Reid! What to do - or NOT to do - when teaching impressionable young witches and wizards at Hogwarts.<br/>Signed<br/>Ariana Oswald - Potions Master<br/>Faye Reid - Transfiguration Teacher<br/>Rosalie Tyler - Defence Against the Dark Arts Teacher</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Page I - Ariana

Rule  #1

Playing 'fetch' with Sirius during class isn't allowed

(Something about it not being part of the lesson)

(Who wants to teach History of Magic anyway?)

(I don't teach it, I swear! I was just covering....)

 

Rule  #2

Calling Voldemort/Tom Riddle the following is not allowed:

Tom Piddle

The Riddler

Tim Fiddle

Foldemort

Voldesnort

Voldemoaner

Voldeboner

 

Rule  #3

Make sure you pick the right person to have the 'birds and the bees' talk

(Neville just went red and walked away)

(McGonagall ignored me)

(Snape gave me a blank stare)

(Voldie gave me  _that_ look)

(In the end, I asked Dumbledore's portrait)

"If a man buys you clothes, Miss Oswald, it usually indicates that he wishes to be the one to take them off you."

(I'm getting Snape to buy me clothes now)

 

Rule  #4

The game 'Hot Seat' has been banned.

(The students were very nosy and I am gullible)

(It was all going great until they asked me about Snape)

"How many times have you thought about doing naughty things with the Headmaster?"

"Enough to know that I'd have about twenty kids by now if I had my way."

(Having Snape in the seat is a no-no)

"Do you ever dream about Professor Oswald?"

(He never answered)

(I am left wondering)

 

Rule  #5

If Prof. Ariana C. Oswald is on her period, she is  **ALWAYS TO BE KEPT HAPPY** .

(It really worked in my favour last month)

(I asked Snape if he loved me)

(He held up a box of  _Always_ tampons)

(The man is a true romantic)

 

Rule  #6

Following the previous rule, never piss me off while I'm on my period.

(I'm the mother-fucking Potions Master)

(I will poison the shit out of you)

 

Rule  #7

Don't tell the students to send their love notes/sexts as Howlers

(It's bloody hilarious though)

" **I'LL LET YOU WHOMP MY WILLOW ANY TIME!** "

(Several students fell into their cauldrons)

 

Rule  #8

Spiking people's drinks with aphrodisiacs is not allowed

(But whoa nelly)

(Snape's an insatiable beast in bed)

(I've created a monster!)

 

Rule  #9

Bringing Voldemort/Tom Riddle into 'Show and Tell' and announcing that he's your bottom bitch is not allowed

(Snape had issues)

(But then, Snape always has issues)

 

Rule  #10

If annoyed at Snape/Sirius, do not go out on a date with Sirius/Snape as revenge

(I like them both, okay?)

(I'm still a free woman, dammit!)

(I can date as many people as I like!)


	2. Page II - Faye

Rule  #11

Don't shoot rock-salt at the Hogwarts Ghosts.

(They won't think it's funny and someone could get hurt)

 

Rule  #12

On Halloween, don't throw a bed-sheet over yourself and yell  **GOING GHOST!**

(It's an insult to the ghosts)

 

Rule  #13

Don't call Professor McGonagall by her first name, or ask how Percy Jackson is doing.

(She doesn't find it amusing)

 

Rule  #14

Don't call Percy Weasley Percy Jackson.

(Same as rule #13, he doesn't find it amusing, and thinks it's immature)

 

Rule  #15

The animals in Care of Magical Creatures are not Pokémon, so **don't** try to catch them all. Some of these creatures are quite dangerous.

 

Rule  #16

Don't pretend to be Steve Irwin in Care of Magical Creatures class and say "I'm gonna wrestle it" every time you see a new animal. 

(Same reason as rule #15)

 

Rule  #17

Don't use a Time-Turner to repeat Tuesdays.

(The consequences can be deadly)

 

Rule  #18

Don't attempt to grow giant beanstalks in Hagrid's garden.

(He's not from the sky)

 

Rule  #19

Don't say "I see dead people" each time you see a Hogwarts ghost.

(It hurt their feelings)

(Particularly Moaning Myrtle's)

 

Rule  #20

Astronomy Class is to learn about astronomy.

(It's not a class about Sailor Moon)

(Professor Sinistra will curse the next student to bring up Sailor Moon)


	3. Page III - Rosalie

Rule  #21

No reminding McGonagall that there will soon be Mini Potters and a mini Lupin running around Hogwarts.

(Her lips got so narrow) 

(We had to keep her from trying to resign) 

(She nearly fainted when Harry told her he planned to name his first born after James and Sirius) 

 

Rule  #22

While in class, do not Imperio anyone to dance

(I'm starting to regret doing so in my class) 

(Though it was funny to see them do the chicken dance) 

(Things got awkward when they figured out twerking) 

(Snape wasn't happy)

(Awkward questions from the Ministry)

 

Rule  #23

In accordance with rule #22, **NO TWERKING** in the halls or **ANYWHERE** else in the castle

(Which means the dorms)

(The bathrooms) 

(Especially the Great Hall) 

 

Rule  #24

Bludgers are to remain on the Quidditch Field during games and practices or locked in the trunk in Madam Hooch's office.

(They had better stay there or else) 

(Because the minute I figure out who hit that Bludger through my window, they're going to get it!) 

(They broke my favourite vase!) 

 

Rule  #25

The Restricted Section in the library is restricted for a reason

(Stay out of there) 

(Nearly had a heart attack when someone pulled out one of the screaming books) 

 

Rule  #26

Following rule #25, the Restricted section does _not_ have porn

(So quit asking)

(It upset Madam Pince) 

(She wouldn't stop shrieking about students asking for dirty books for hours) 

(Prude) 

 

Rule  #27

Do not call the Headmaster a bat

(He has pretty good hearing) 

(So he'll probably hear you) 

(I'm still convinced that he is one) 

"What was that, Professor Tyler?"

"Nothing Headmaster!" 

(See what I mean?)

 

Rule  #28

Do not ask the Headmaster if he can read your mind

(He goes off on a very long discussion about the differences between Occulemency and Legilimency) 

(It is not something to be trifled with) 

(He does not wish to know what's going on in your mind.) 

 

Rule  #29

The Headmaster's billowing robes will not give you flying powers

(Idiot first year thought I was serious when I said the Headmaster swooped in like a bat) 

(Now I have to deal with angry parents) 

 

Rule  #30

First Years are not to be referred to as Munchkins or midgets

(That's just rude) 

(Not all of them get it)


	4. Page IV - Ariana

Rule  #31

The Potter children are to be treated as regular students

(Which translates to no clearing the halls so that the 'Saviour's Spawn' can pass)

(Which I mainly do to wind up Harry)

(Ginny thinks it's funny)

 

Rule  #32

Do not arrive to class on an Animagus Sirius

(It looks cool as hell though)

 

Rule  #33

The Headmaster's office is not to be referred to as a sex loft

(Even if it is half of the time)

 

Rule  #34

Following the previous rule, do not refer to the afformentioned office as a sex loft around the students

 

Rule  #35

Taking Tom Riddle/Voldemort's swirly black cloak without permission isn't allowed

 

Rule  #36

Following that, daring students to take said swirly black cloak is forbidden

 

Rule  #37

Telling students that the penalty to hand up unsatisfactory homework is being fed to a Blast-Ended Skrewt is forbidden

 

Rule  #38

Students are not to be used as test-dummies for potions.

(The excuse that they volunteered isn't acceptable)

(Even if they did)

(Which they did)

(Cause I offered to give them an Outstanding)

 

Rule  #39

Playing hide and seek in the Forbidden Forest is not allowed

(I left a bunch of brats near Aragog's nest)

(Whoops)

 

Rule  #40

As a Head of House, your students are students. They are not your bitches or minions.

(They are, however, shockingly obedient)

(New minions have been found)

(Screw the rules!)


	5. Page V - Faye

Rule  #41

Don't bring chocolate frogs to Transfiguration class. 

(They will be confiscated)

(I am a major chocoholic)

(Watching me eat chocolate is not a pretty sight)

 

Rule  #42

Don't shout out " **BEWARE!** " every time a ghost floats out of a box.

(It gets annoying pretty quickly, especially for the ghosts)

 

Rule  #43

Don't call the Winchesters on me

(I'm an animagus, not a shapeshifter or skinwalker)

(If you call the Winchesters, it better be for a hook up)

(Don't tell Fred Weasley.)

 

Rule  #44

Don't call Harry Potter Arthur Kipps

(He gets annoyed when people ask if he's seen the Woman in Black lately)

 

Rule  #45

Don't call Harry Potter Ig Perrish. He doesn't look like a demon

 

Rule  #46

Harry Potter is not Igor from Frankenstein

(The next person to shout out, "IT'S ALIVE!" in front of him will be cursed by him)

(I will totally allow this)

 

Rule  #47

Harry Potter is not friends with Kylo Ren

(They don't sit and compare Dark Lords)

 

Rule  #48

Hermione Granger does not dance ballet, so stop asking her to put on ballet shoes.

 

Rule  #49

Don't sing "Let It Go" in Professor Reid's class.

(I will sing the whole damn thing and show up you little punks)

 

Rule  #50

Hermione Granger was never held hostage in a castle.

(Stop asking her how the Beast is doing)


	6. Page VI - Rosalie

  
Rule  #51   


No snakes allowed in the castle

(The Headmaster is rather.... Well, he just doesn't want them in the castle) 

(Though I should have phrased the rule better....) 

(The Gryffindors took it literally and tossed all the Slytherin students out of the castle) 

(Whoops) 

 

  
Rule  #52   


In regards to rule #51, throwing Slytherin students out of the castle is not allowed. 

(Common sense people!) 

(So many students in detention) 

 

  
Rule  #53   


Anyone calling a Muggleborn a 'Mudblood' will be immediately put into detention

(No pleading out your case) 

(There is no excuse) 

(I don't care who your parents are) 

(And saying that your father will hear of this is reserved for Malfoy)

 

  
Rule  #54   


When visiting schools are visiting the school, for Merlin's sake, **BEHAVE!**

(This cannot be stressed enough) 

(Snape looked ready to hex anyone within a five mile radius) 

(Made that night VERY interesting...) 

(They weren't kidding about angry sex being the best sex) 

 

  
Rule  #55   


Do not parade Sirius in Animagus form in front of Trewlawney

(She went batshit) 

(Thought everyone in the castle was going to die) 

(We had to knock her out) 

(Snape is seriously thinking about shipping her off to St. Mungo's) 

(McGonagall didn't exactly protest...) 

(Savage) 

 

  
Rule  #56   


Telling students they must battle a troll in their first year is forbidden

(I personally blame Harry, Ron and Hermione for this one) 

(The kiddies just thought of it on their own) 

 

  
Rule  #57   


When handing in your homework, make sure it is written neatly

(I am NOT going to spend my entire night trying to figure out what you wrote)

(I have better and much more interesting things to do at night) 

(I will make you write it again until you can write it neatly) 

 

  
Rule  #58   


Homework is to be handed in swiftly and promptly. 

(Plausible reasons why cannot complete it will be heard) 

(Because you were too busy making out with your boy/girlfriend is not a valid reason) 

 

  
Rule  #59   


No hanky panky in the corridors

(Madam Pomfrey is not happy I've been sending her students for the sex talk) 

(Horny little beasties) 

(I swear I wasn't this bad when I was in school...)

 

  
Rule  #60   


Don't moon anyone and scream 'full moon!' 

(Lupin tends to get offended)

(Nobody needs to see that) 


	7. Page VII - Ariana

Rule  #61

Staff are reminded that running through the Great Hall in a state of undress is frowned upon.

(Keep your shirt on, I was in my pjs)

(What caused the problem was all the hickeys)

(What can I say?)

 

Rule  #62

Don't encourage the students to throw things at Filch from any of the towers

(Side-note; don't join them in throwing things at Filch)

 

Rule  #63

Don't levitate all of the boys/men and then put on 'It's Raining Men' as they fall

(Unless Karkaroff is visiting)

(In which case, totally do it)

 

Rule  #64

Don't hex the Ravenclaws so that they caw when they speak

(Flitwick was so confused)

 

Rule  #65

Following rule  #64 , don't hex the Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs or Slytherins to make their respective animal noises either

(I cheated with Hufflepuff though)

(I made them do buzzing sounds)

(I'm still convinced that they're bees)

 

Rule  #66

Convincing the House Elves that it's International Sweet Day isn't allowed

(But the kids loved me for it)

(And a ton of the staff)

 

Rule  #67

Beating the snot out of a student isn't allowed

(I'd prefer not to talk about this one)

(Suffice to say, little shit deserved it)

 

Rule  #68

Following that, neither is cursing, hexing, poisoning or harming in any other way.

 

Rule  #69

Announcing at the start of term that only one student will leave the class alive is a bad idea

(Parents complained)

(But damn)

(It was worth it)

 

Rule  #70

The Houses do not need mascots

(I sued Harry though)

(Technically, the Basilik was the Slytherin mascot)

(And he killed it)

(I have Slytherin's Chambers as my private space now!)


	8. Page VIII - Faye

  
Rule  #71   


Hermione Granger was never on Noah's Ark

(Stop asking her what the end of the world was like)

 

  
Rule  #72   


If you want to learn intense Defence Against the Dark Arts, call the Winchesters

(Again, if you can hook me up with one of them, that would be fantastic)

( **FRED WEASLEY MUST NEVER KNOW!** )

 

  
Rule  #73   


Don't ever mention Disney in Transfiguration class

(I will go off topic and give a full lecture on all of the animated movies)

 

  
Rule  #74   


There will be no singing of any kind in any class except choir

(This is not a Glee club)

(And once I start singing, I won't be able to stop)

 

  
Rule  #75   


Don't try and befriend the mermaids

(They don't want to be part of our world)

 

  
Rule  #76   


Ronald Weasley does not give out free ice cream, so stop asking him for some

(Believe me, I've weaselled the information out of him)

(I really wanted chocolate ice cream)

(Sob)

 

  
Rule  #77   


Draco Malfoy was not responsible for the rise of the apes

(Yes, I know he can be jerk, but Draco wouldn't hurt animals)

 

  
Rule  #78   


Scorpius Malfoy is not his father

(Anyone seen bullying him for this will be punished)

 

  
Rule  #79   


There will be no parties in the Gryffindor Tower room

(Unless I'm invited)

(First person to invite me receives top marks in Transfiguration)

 

  
Rule  #80   


Don't turn Professor Trelawney into a teapot

(I will not be held responsible for when you use Transfiguration on another teacher)


	9. Page IX - Rosalie

  
Rule  #81   


Do not throw or kick at any cats in the castle

(Unless it's Mrs. Norris) 

(But beware, McGonagall got kicked in the rear while she was prowling around) 

(I have never heard a cat yowl so loud before) 

(I don't think we'll see that student out of detention until he graduates in about 5 years)

 

  
Rule  #82   


Regarding rule #82, learn to tell the difference between Mrs. Norris and McGonagall's Animagus form

(It's real easy honestly)

(It'd save us a world of trouble) 

 

  
Rule  #83   


Despite what your parents say, you are not a special little snowflake

(Which means don't expect special treatment) 

(I don't care if the Headmaster favoured his House) 

(I ain't doing that) 

 

  
Rule  #84   


In accordance to rule #83, I don't care if you complain to your parents about what I said.

(Frankly, I don't give a damn) 

 

  
Rule  #85   


Reminder that electronic devices **WILL NOT** work while at Hogwarts

(Had so many complaints that they couldn't access their phones) 

(Or take selfies) 

(I despair at this generation) 

 

  
Rule  #86   


In regards to rule #85, the next person I catch trying to enchant their phone in my class, I'm binning the phones

(They didn't take me seriously) 

(I binned the phones) 

(Oh Howlers, my old friends) 

 

  
Rule  #87   


Do not threaten the portraits with paint cleaner

(They all went ballistic) 

(That wasn't really fun trying to sort that out) 

(Cardagon would not shut up!) 

 

  
Rule  #88   


Items from Weasley Wizard Wheezes are not allowed

(Too many things going off in class) 

 

  
Rule  #89   


Fireworks from Weasley Wizard Wheezes are also not allowed. 

(We do not need mating fireworks again) 

 

  
Rule  #90   


Whoever bought the Portable Swamp is in **HUGE** trouble!

(I ruined my shoes and best robes wading through that muck!) 


	10. Page X - Ariana

  
Rule  #91   


Encouraging students to participate in pranking is not allowed

(It was mostly okay until a nameless firstie took it too far)

(Things escalated and there was a war)

(It was ugly)

 

  
Rule  #92   


Forcing Voldemort/Tom Riddle to walk through the halls of Hogwarts with a sign that says 'Free Hugs' is not allowed

(We can only push the man so much)

(And he's not a very huggy person either)

(But it's all kinds of epic to see his stink-face)

 

  
Rule  #93   


Students are not allowed to watch 'America's Next Top Model'

(Who even brought in a tv?)

 

  
Rule  #94   


Following rule #93, students are not allowed to make their own 'Hogwarts Next Top Model'

(The older girls get vicious)

 

  
Rule  #95   


No golf-cars are allowed in Hogwarts - please do not race them down the corridors

 

  
Rule  #96   


If Draco askes me to babysit his son, say no

(Scorpius is a little shit)

 

  
Rule  #97   


Do not place Furbies around the castle

(The batteries keep glitching and they chant something in a weird satanic voice)

(All my little Snakes are having nightmares)

(So whoever did this better watch out)

(Cause I'm coming for you)

 

  
Rule  #98   


Don't blow up condoms and let them loose across a room

(I was bored and so were my students)

(So we started blowing up condoms and letting them fly)

(Until Snape walked in and got bitch-slapped by one)

(Oops)

 

  
Rule  #99   


Following that, don't use condoms as water balloons

(Saying there were no balloons doesn't work)

 

  
Rule  #100   


Don't ask me to read you a bedtime story

(I don't care if you're homesick, a Malfoy or whatever)

(I like my evenings off)

(But if you insist, I will read you my favourite story)

('Go the fuck to sleep')


	11. Page XI - Faye

  
Rule  #101   


This is not High School Musical

(There will be no random bursts of singing and dancing in the halls of Hogwarts)

(Unless I get to have a killer solo)

 

  
Rule  #102   


The Grey Lady was never a Scottish lass with wild red curls

(Stop asking if she turned her mum into a bear)

(I will not stop her if she decides to haunt you for asking these ridiculous questions)

 

  
Rule  #103   


Professor Trelawney was never turned into a bear

(She also doesn't have a daughter with wild red curls)

(Please stop pestering her)

(She comes complaining to me)

 

  
Rule  #104   


Professor Trewlaney was never a scientist that got Arnold Schwarzenegger pregnant

(Stop asking how their children is doing)

 

  
Rule  #105   


Hermione Granger is not a princess that befriended a mouse named Desperaux

(Stop asking her how the soup tastes in her kingdom)

(Trust me)

(I asked and she nearly cursed me for it)

 

  
Rule  #106   


Hermione Granger was never arrested for breaking into celebrities houses and stealing their personal items.

(If she had been, I would have asked her to get me some nice purses)

 

  
Rule  #107   


Don't turn Dolores Umbridge into a giant talking flower and send her to Underland

(Although absolutely hilarious, it is frowned upon)

 

  
Rule  #108   


Dolores Umbridge is not a fairy, so don't ask her how Princess Aurora is doing

(She will be angry)

(And I will not lose my job because of you kids!)

 

  
Rule  #109   


Remember that all females here at Hogwarts are witches, and **WILL NOT** be burned at the stake.

(Damn Salem Witch Trials)

 

  
Rule  #110   


Please keep in mind that you are not Deadpool, so don't perform any fatal stunts

(I will laugh when you kids faceplant on the grounds somewhere)


	12. Page XII - Rosalie

  
Rule  [#111](http://piratepad.net/ep/search?query=111)   


Quidditch is meant to be played **OUTSIDE** , not in the castle! 

(Well, that sort ofdampens my mood.)

(Seriously though, it's not safe to play Quidditch in the rain anymore)

(Too many things get broken) 

 

  
Rule  #112   


No broom riding in the castle either

(Again, you think we would have learned our lesson when we were kids) 

(Especially from Ron)

 

  
Rule  #113   


Do not give Snape pregnancy scares

(I really had him going) 

(You'd think we would have learned our lesson from our student years) 

(Guess not!) 

(I swear, everyone believed it) 

  
( _Daily Prophet_ had a field day when they heard)    


(Whoops) 

 

  
Rule  #114   


Do not put a dog collar on Sirius

(Turns out he likes it) 

(Man, Sirius is into some kinky stuff) 

 

  
Rule  #115   


Don't give Sirius or Lupin flea collars for Christmas

(Lupin didn't find it funny) 

(Sirius actually wears his when in dog form) 

(Ended up having a happy Christmas) 

 

  
Rule  #116   


Sending love notes to the teachers isn't allowed

(It was cute at first) 

(Then it got weird) 

(Apparently Snape being a hero in the war makes him hot) 

(He's been getting tons of mail from students and witches) 

(Even wizards) 

 

  
Rule  #117   


Don't put in personal ads for other teachers

(Hilarity ensued) 

(Snape is pretty popular) 

(I need to figure out who put my name in the paper) 

(I suddenly feel bad for Snape) 

 

  
Rule  #118   


When the Board of Governors comes to call, act professional

(I highly doubt they want to listen to S&M) 

(They're a bunch of old prudes) 

(No one warned me!) 

 

  
Rule  #119   


Giving Peeves free reign is not allowed

(Thought it was funny to watch) 

(Until he trashed up my office) 

 

  
Rule  #120   


For Merlin's sake, be nice to Filch

(He's basically the only one who takes care of the castle) 

(Apart from the Elves) 

(He's old!) 

(You'd be grouchy too if you had to deal with snot nosed brats for Merlin knows how many years!)


	13. Page XIII - Ariana

  
Rule  #121   


Passing notes during a staff meeting isn't allowed

(Who was the idiot who passed Neville a Howler?)

 

  
Rule  #122   


Please, do **NOT** allow students to throw bath bombs into the Black Lake

(We do not want to annoy the mermaids down there)

(They are scary)

 

  
Rule  #123   


Water bras have been banned

(Apparently, one of the students down by the lake was wearing one)

(And of course, it started to leak)

(So her boyfriend tried to stop it)

(By basically groping her boobs)

(And then I came along)

(I can never unsee that)

 

  
Rule  #124   


The following shouldn't be announced at breakfast:

"Did you know that each year, at least ten students manage to choke on their own quills?"

"I'm having a fabulous tea-party in Slytherin's Chambers, and the headmaster isn't invited."

"The school is closing effective immedietly. Go out into the world and become porn stars."

"One way to blow your cover is to kill a student. And believe me when I say it's tough fighing that urge."

(The Howlers)

(And the Snape)

 

  
Rule  #125   


Faking an illness is stupid. Don't do it

(One word)

(Pomfrey)

 

  
Rule  #126   


When a quill breaks, do not say the following:

"There were times I didn't even think you were a quill. But let me tell you this, you were the best writing utensil. The most quill...quill that I've ever known. And no-one will ever convince me that you ran out of ink at times, so there. I was so alone, correcting those essays, and I owe you so much. But please, there's just one more thing, one more thing. One more miracle, quill, for me. Don't be....dead."

(I was carted off to Pomfrey for that one)

 

  
Rule  #127   


Roses are red, etc....poems have been banned

(After some of the students got all kinds of creepy)

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm outside your window, just watching you."

(I am going to kill that brat)

 

  
Rule  #128   


Don't name your school equipment after people you know 

(Like the staff)

(Glorious chaos ensued)

"Hey Sirius, have you seen my Snape?"

(Sirius had no idea what I was on about)

(I was trying to find my hairbrush)

 

  
Rule  #129   


Following that, do not use staff names as swear words

(I was told I swear too often)

(So I improvised)

"Scorpius, you son of a Snape!"

 

  
Rule  #130   


Whoever has been doing this, stop putting toothpaste on the door-knobs

(Being woken up by Sirius screaming like a little girl is not the ideal wake-up call)


	14. Page XIV - Faye

  
Rule  #131   


Do not leave students unattended in the Forbidden Forest

(A wendigo might get you)

(One less student I would have to grade tests for)

 

  
Rule  #132   


Professor Snape is not Tybalt, so don't ask how Romeo and Juliet are doing

 

  
Rule  #133   


Professor Snape is not the Sheriff of Nottingham

(Stop asking if he's caught Robin Hood yet)

 

  
Rule  #134   


Don't ask Professor Snape how Czar Nicholas II and his family are doing

(He's not Rasputin)

 

  
Rule  #135   


Professor Snape is not an angel named Metatron

(Trust me, if he was, the Winchesters wouldn't have had such a hard time dealing with the scribe of God)

 

  
Rule  #136   


Do not turn Professor Snape into a blue caterpillar

(I will laugh when he decides to poison one of you for this)

 

  
Rule  #137   


Peter Pettigrew does not know any Baudelaire children, so don't ask him how Count Olaf is doing

(If he did know them, my money is on him burning down their house)

 

  
Rule  #138   


Remember that Peter Pettigrew works for Voldemort, and not an evil queen named Narissa

(Making him angry may result in your death or torture)

 

  
Rule  #139   


Don't turn Peter Pettigrew into a bloodhound and send him to Underland

(I will NOT be held responsible for your transfiguration magic!)

 

  
Rule  #140   


Don't jump off any of the Hogwarts towers singing "I Believe I Can Fly"

(You are not Superman)

(And I will laugh when you crash-land on the grounds)


	15. Page XV - Rosalie

  
Rule  #141   


Dressing up as Bellatrix for Halloween isn't allowed

(The kiddies freaked) 

(Snape tried hexing me) 

 

  
Rule  #142   


Do not show the students Ghostbusters

(I had a free period in my class) 

(I just wanted them to relax before finals) 

(Now I've been finding groups of them trying to build proton packs) 

(That would explain the random explosions) 

 

  
Rule  #143   


Do not let the students attempt to build proton packs 

(I'm still trying to figure out where they're getting the parts) 

(I have the feeling the Ravenclaws are involved) 

(How else are they making them?) 

(Bad news is they blew up a section of the castle) 

(That was fun trying to explain) 

 

  
Rule  #144   


In regards to rule #143, don't let the students try out their packs

(More things exploded)

(The damage was unreal)

(The ghosts were not happy)

 

  
Rule  #145   


There will be no foolish wand waving or silly incantations in my classroom!

(I mean it!) 

(Bad things happened!) 

(There is a reason we learn how to do proper wand movements and spells) 

(And whoever brought the gerbil and made it turn into a giant purple gerbil...) 

(I'm not sure to applaud you or stick your ass in detention) 

 

  
Rule  #146   


During a practical class, messing with Dark Creatures is NOT allowed!

(Seriously)

(Common sense)

(I will stick your ass in detention for the rest of the year) 

(Or let Filch decide your punishment) 

(This isn't Supernatural!) 

(Stop saying we need to call the Winchesters!) 

(I am perfectly capable of dealing with Dark Creatures) 

(But keep pissing them off, you're on your own)

(Next person who mentions Winchesters is scrubbing out bedpans in the hospital wing without magic) 

(If I wasn't good at my my job, I wouldn't have been hired)

 

  
Rule  #147   


Leave the Grindylows in the Black Lake alone! 

(I am tired of having to go in there after you!) 

(Next person who goes in there is on their own!) 

(I have better things to do than fish you out) 

 

  
Rule  #148   


Do not go into the Forbidden Forest

(Seriously!) 

(I am tired of saving you lot!) 

(Did the rules just go in one ear and out the other?)

(That's it!) 

(I'm done!) 

(You can get eaten for all I care!) 

 

  
Rule  #149   


Teachers are not allowed to let their students get eaten

(Dammit) 

(Too many complaints from parents) 

(How was I supposed to know the little beasts were going to wander near the giant spider nest?) 

 

  
Rule  #150   


Do not give Peeves anything from Weasley Wizard Wheezes

(Oh Merlin!) 

(It's worst than when the twins escaped the school) 

(He slipped Skeeving Snackbox items into the school food) 

(It was total chaos) 


	16. Page XVI - Ariana

  
Rule  #151   


Assassin's Creed has been banned from Hogwarts

(Too many knives have gone missing)

(And I shudder to think of what the idiot kids will try to do)

 

  
Rule  #152   


Following that, do not form your own Creed

(Snape said the four Houses are pretty much Creeds unto themselves)

(I can't really argue with that)

 

  
Rule  #153   


Some things are better left unsaid. Don't be that person

 

  
Rule  #154   


The school uniform is to be kept as it is

(Way too many of the kids have gone Skater or Punk or Goth)

(Snape says it's ruining the school's reputation)

(I said that it was already screwed, might as well go whole hog)

(He still hasn't forgiven me for that)

 

  
Rule  #155   


It is forbidden to leave things lying in the halls

(Like marbles)

(Or a Portable Swamp)

(Or a sleeping Sirius)

 

  
Rule  #156   


The following is not allowed to be done in winter-time:

Spray the stairs outside with water

Go down said stairs in a sled

Hex snowballs so that they follow people around and hit them in the head

(That last rule is reserved for the twin's spawn)

(They are too much like them for my comfort)

 

  
Rule  #157   


Do not build blanket forts

(I'm okay with them being in the dorms)

(Even in the common room)

(But seriously)

(In the Great Hall?)

(My House is stupid sometimes)

 

  
Rule  #158   


International Woman's Day is not an excuse to cancel classes for the girls

(It totally is)

(Snape's just annoyed that he couldn't go out on a girly day with the ladies)

 

  
Rule  #159   


The five-second rule is not applicable in Hogwarts

(So no picking up food you dropped and eating it)

(It's just nasty)

 

  
Rule  #160   


If you have a pet, keep it under control

(I have a cat who trolls people)

(I call him Sev)

(Snape was half-annoyed, half-smug)

(Until the cat trolled him)

(Now he hates him)


	17. Page XVII - Faye

  
Rule  #161   


Do **NOT** summon any demons, or I will kill you myself!

(Unless it's Crowley)

(Just don't tell Fred Weasley, or the Winchesters)

 

  
Rule  #162   


Hagrid is not a short Scottish man with anger issues

(He's not trying to get his son to marry Princess Merida)

(He doesn't even have a son)

(And how can you mistake Hagrid for someone short?)

 

  
Rule  #163   


Hagrid is not Mr. Hyde, so don't ask him how Van Helsing is doing

(Please don't confuse or tease Hagrid)

(He's such a sweetheart)

 

  
Rule  #164   


Molly Weasley was never in any musical, so don't ask her to sing Mamma Mia.

Trust me, I would have begged her to let me sing with her.

 

  
Rule  #165   


Molly Weasley does own gnomes in her garden, but not cute ceramic ones.

(And who in their right mind would name a gnome Gnomeo?)

 

  
Rule  #166   


Yes, Molly Weasley is a witch, just like all of us females in the Wizarding World

(No, she did not turn a prince into a savage bear named Mor'du)

(No, she's not a woodcarver)

(Stop pestering Mrs. Weasley, or she won't make you home made fudge!)

 

  
Rule  #167   


Professor McGonagall was never married to a man named Othello

(She's obviously not dead, is she?)

 

  
Rule  #168   


Professor McGonagall doesn't know Peter Pan, so stop asking her how he's doing

 

  
Rule  #169   


Professor McGonagall was never a nun

(She didn't help a sassy black showgirl hide in a convent)

(I'm pretty sure McGonagall would have erased the murderers' memories of the showgirl)

 

  
Rule  #170   


Professor McGonagall's name was never Mrs. Medlock

(Stop asking her the location of the Secret Garden)

(Seriously, she will punish you with detention if you kids keep asking her stupid questions)


	18. Page XVIII - Rosalie

  
Rule  #171   


In regards to rule #150, no one is allowed to give Peeves Dungbombs

(Merlin!) 

(The stink was horrible!) 

(We all had to do Bubble Head charms) 

(We looked like we were wearing fishbowls on our heads) 

(It took ages to air out the castle!) 

 

  
Rule  #172   


Do not dress like Inferi

(I freaked!) 

(Oh man, that was awkward to explain) 

(More Howlers, oh goody!) 

 

  
Rule  #173   


In response to rule #172, showing the students zombie films is not allowed

(Madam Pomfrey is getting real tired of seeing my students after they've been in class with me) 

(Too many nightmares) 

 

  
Rule  #174   


Whoever waxed the floors and the stairs is in huge trouble!

(No one could walk!) 

(We had to slide everywhere!)

(We are not flipping penguins!) 

(Sliding down the stairs is not fun!) 

(Peeves took off with all my papers and used them as spit balls) 

 

  
Rule  #175   


Dressing up as Dementors is not allowed

(Come on!) 

(That's obvious) 

 

  
Rule  #176   


Please do not sing: 'We're Off To See The Wizard' if I send you to the Headmaster

(He's getting annoyed by it) 

(I still find it hilarious) 

(He made me pay after he found out I taught them) 

 

  
Rule  #177   


Do not dress up as a vampire and run around threatening to drain everyone's blood

(It's rude) 

(The vampires get offended) 

(For the last time, Snape is not a vampire!)

(Enough with the garlic throwing!) 

(The elves get mad when they have no garlic for their dishes) 

 

  
Rule  #178   


Twilight books are **BANNED!**

(If I catch you with one....) 

(You will not like what I have in mind) 

 

  
Rule  #179   


In regards to rule 178, do not approach any vampire

(Come on! Have you learned nothing?) 

(Most likely they aren't going to turn you) 

(Who wants a teenage vampire around for eternity?)

(Ugh, nope!) 

(We aren't doing Twilight!) 

(I will stake you if you get turned) 

 

  
Rule  #180   


Quoting 3000 is now banned.

(It gets real old when some smartass keeps shouting ' **THIS IS SPARTA!** ' every time I mutter this is madness when I wonder why I became a teacher) 

(We are in Hogwarts not Sparta) 


	19. Page XIX - Ariana

  
Rule  #181   


If I tell you to wake up and get out of bed, you'd better do it

(I will stuff dirty socks in your mouth)

(And then toss you into the Black Lake)

(The Squid and I have an agreement)

 

  
Rule  #182   


Don't pretend to have a phobia

(This was a staff-orientated thing for a few weeks)

(Neville pretended to have botanophobia)

(Fear of plants)

(And refused to enter the greenhouses)

(Snape preteneded he had paedophobia)

(Fear of children)

(And just holed up in his office for a few weeks)

(I think I won though)

(I pretended to have Androphobia)

(The fear of man)

(And kept on running from Snape, Sirius and all the boys)

 

  
Rule  #183   


For the hundreth time, Weeping Angels are **NOT** real

(So whoever is putting Angel statues around the castle better stop)

 

  
Rule  #184   


Don't bundle yourself in a blanket and proclaim to be a burrito

(Especially not at breakfast)

(Come on Sirius)

 

  
Rule  #185   


Do not send a note to someone with the words "I haven't been fully honest with you." on it

(Snape freaked out a little)

(And kept on sending me notes that I refused to answer)

(And a few Howlers)

(Sirius' response was the best)

"Me neither."

 

  
Rule  #186   


Students are not allowed to play Pokémon Go in class

(I couldn't give a flying shit if there's a Dragonite on your cauldron)

  
(Keep that up and I'll shove you  _in_ the damn thing)   


 

  
Rule  #187   


Following that, nerf guns are not allowed in class

(Because I will go kamikaze on the next student who shows up with one)

 

  
Rule  #188   


If students misbehave, sticking them to the ground by the Whomping Willow is not allowed. Follow the correct disiplinary measures

(God dammit Snape)

(Ruining all my fun)

 

  
Rule  #189   


Wasabi isn't allowed anymore

(Someone ruined a box of my favourite sweets by filling them with wasabi)

(My mouth was on fire)

(The demon has been dealt with)

 

  
Rule  #190   


Following rule #188, Transfiguring students into animals isn't allowed

(Mainly because I turn them into chickens)

(And then ask loudly who's up for chicken wings)

(It's totally worth it)

(They never misbehave again)


	20. Page XX - Faye

  
Rule  #191   


Do **NOT** turn Professor McGonagall into a garden gnome named Lady Bluebury

(This may result in your expulsion)

(And me getting fired)

(Don't get me fired!)

 

  
Rule  #192   


Remember, you are not a Winchester, so if you die, you stay dead

(Please, don't do anything stupid)

(I don't want to be held responsible for any of your deaths)

 

  
Rule  #193   


Don't play _Sexy Back_ in Transfiguration class.

(I will start dancing)

(It will not be pretty)

 

  
Rule  #194   


Just a reminder that we are not in a Disney movie

(Wild animals will not be coming into Hogwarts to clean)

(That's the job of the house elves)

(Don't upset the elves!)

 

  
Rule  #195   


Do **NOT** , under any circumstances, bring Amortentia into Transfiguration class!

(As much as I love the smell of peppermint, rain, and books it produces, it is **VERY** distracting)

 

  
Rule  #196   


Don't bring any Weasley products into my class.

(They will be confiscated)

(It's the only way I get them for free, since Fred insists I still pay for the products)

(Ass)

 

  
Rule  #197   


Remember Voldemort is evil, and not a charming man named Heathcliff

(He WILL murder you if you bring this up)

 

  
Rule  #198   


Voldemort was not a Pharaoh, so don't ask him how Moses is doing

(And honestly, I can't imagine him singing about the plagues)

 

  
Rule  #199   


Voldemort deals with were **WOLVES** , not were **RABBITS**

(Personally, I think wererabbits would be a lot easier to handle)

 

  
Rule  #200   


Voldemort is not Hades

(Although, I think he might work for the Lord of the Dead)

(Or maybe he's just Hades in disguise)

(Conspiracy theories!)


	21. Page XXI - Rosalie

  
Rule  #201   


Do not dress male students or male staff members and force them to sing: 'Man, I Feel Like A Woman'

(Nope) 

(Not even) 

(Mental images) 

(Though, I have to admit that Snape, Sirius and Lupin have pretty good legs) 

(Tonks and I had a serious laugh about it) 

(Tonks is awesome) 

 

  
Rule  #202   


Do not give Peeves ink bottles

(So much ink everywhere) 

(Snape and Sirius are getting a tad annoyed my hair keeps leaving ink on their sheets) 

(I **STILL** can't wash it out) 

 

  
Rule  #203   


Don't give Peeves paint either

(Bunch of portraits are freaking out cause Peeves is painting swear words on them) 

(Who knew he even **KNEW** those words!) 

 

  
Rule  #204   


In regards to rule #203, don't teach Peeves swears! 

(Some of us like sleeping in without Peeves screaming dirty words in our ears) 

 

  
Rule  #205   


Mornings are my time. 

(So no, I will not answer class questions) 

(I have specific office hours)

(Unless it's an emergency and you're dying, then you can bug me) 

 

  
Rule  #206   


Female students, **DO NOT** bug the Headmaster about female problems, especially monthly ones

(He has enough problems as is) 

(See Madam Pomfrey, myself, or Professor Oswald) 

 

  
Rule  #207   


** SHOWER! **

(I cannot stress this one enough!) 

(No one needs to smell you) 

(You are big kids) 

(You're old enough to shower on your own without reminders!)

(If you don't shower, I will toss you into the lake) 

(I don't care if it's freezing and in the middle of winter!) 

(I will not have you stinking up my classroom!) 

 

  
Rule  #208   


In regards to rule #207, teachers are not permitted to dump students in the lake because they stink

"You weren't the one who had to smell him for an entire class period, Snape!" 

"I do not care, Professor Tyler" 

 

  
Rule  #209   


For Merlin's sake, whoever is turning Scorpius into a ferret is in huge trouble! 

(I keep getting Howlers from both Draco and Malfoy Sr!) 

(Enough already!) 

 

  
Rule  #210   


If you swear in my classroom, I will Scourgify your mouth! 

(And I will do it in front of the whole class) 

(I do not tolerate swearing in my class) 

(Bullying either) 

(I'll Scourgify your mouth if you do that too) 


	22. Epilogue

The train had finally left for the summer at Hogwarts. Professor Ariana Oswald, now in her late forties, made her way up to the top of the Astronomy Tower and leaned against the railings, looking out across the grounds and lake. How long had it been since she'd come here? 

"Sorry. Been waiting long?" a cheerful voice asked behind her. Faye came to stand beside her. Her once hip-length hair had been cut short years ago, and she needed glasses nowadays - but she was the same person she'd been once this whole crazy thing had started. They all were.

"No, I just got here," Ariana replied truthfully. "All packed?"

"Of course. Where's Rose?"

"She's on the way."

"Good."

They stood in silence for a time, drinking in the scenery below them. Ariana's thoughts ticked back over the years. How she and Rosalie had been able to attend Hogwarts as students and then as teachers. How they'd run into Faye who'd graduated from Beauxbatons and joined them as Hogwarts staff. Witnessing the day that Sirius became a free man and Pettigrew was tossed into Azkaban, never to see the light of day again. Seeing Voldemort become Tom Riddle again (and dear lord, _that_ was something worth seeing). Seeing Harry, Ron, Hermione and the gang settle down and have _kids_ , then teaching all those hellions. Watching as those kids grew into thoughtful and (mostly) responsible adults. Mourning as Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore passed on at the ripe old age of one hundred and forty-nine. And now that Lily Potter and Hugo Weasley had graduated, there was really nothing to keep them tied here anymore.

"You ready?" Rosalie's voice called over. Ariana turned to see her and Faye standing a little ways away, each with a large, leather-bound book under an arm. Their luggage stood to the side.

"Yeah," she nodded, moving to stand beside them. "Faye, are you meeting up with Ruben?"

"That's the plan!" the Transfiguration teacher grinned. "But I'll see if I can meet up with you guys again soon."

"Sounds good."

"Safe journey," Rosalie added. Faye smiled at them.

"You too."

Then with a deep breath, Faye and Rosalie opened the books as Ariana plucked hold of Rosalie's sleeve. There was a bright, blinding flash of light. When it had cleared, the three women (and their belongings) had disappeared. In their place lay three blooming roses; beautiful, fragile, and utterly unforgettable.

Just like the women who'd left them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, they left! To go exploring other fandoms!!! Don't worry!!!  
> FYI, the roses left behind are as follows: Faye's rose is white (meaning purity, innocence and charm), Rosalie's is red (meaning love, passion, and respect), and Ariana's is pink (meaning grace, gentleness and sweetness).  
> Thanks for reading!  
> Kanako Hime x


End file.
